


a message

by Elendraug



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, Pesterlog
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-07
Updated: 2015-08-07
Packaged: 2018-04-13 09:45:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4517166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elendraug/pseuds/Elendraug
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>TT: I know how much you hate color-coded walls of text.<br/>TT: So mea culpa, I guess.</p>
            </blockquote>





	a message

**Author's Note:**

> [♫](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FuxAjkzD2pw)
> 
> possible mild spoilers for the roof updates with Dave and Dirk, so if you're not caught up on the upd8s, you might want to be, but it's mostly spoiler-free

  
timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering  undyingUmbrage [uu]  
TT: Hey.  
TT: So.  
TT: God, I don’t even know how to start this. And now I feel like I’ve already made it awkward, even though you usually don't answer messages I send, outbound.  
TT: But just in case you see this, I...  
TT: Guess? I need to get some stuff off my chest.  
TT: Which probably isn’t even fair.  
TT: What use is it if I’m just sitting here on a fucking roof, typing out all this text that you might not even see for days?  
TT: Fuck, for so long, I didn’t even know for sure that you were alive.  
TT: But I know you are. I know you talked to the others.  
TT: They weren’t happy to hear from you, and I had to just stand there and pretend I was just as disgusted as they were, knowing they’d heard anything, that you’d messaged them.  
TT: I couldn’t tell them.  
TT: You and I both know why.  
TT: Those guys couldn’t understand.  
TT: I don’t think anybody does, really? Just you and me.  
TT: At least, I thought you understood. But I’ve never been very good at saying what I’m thinking, and talking to Dave has helped me realize some shit, to say the least.  
TT: I should’ve told you all this years ago.  
TT: You deserved to know, and it was my own goddamn cowardice that led to this shit.  
TT: This whole...  
TT: Fucked up situation.  
TT: But you saw it all unfold, didn’t you? That’s how Jane made it seem, anyway. That you found a way to watch our session.  
TT: Like you used to watch me, back in the day.  
TT: It’s hard for me to think about how long it’s been.  
TT: Five months feels like forever.  
TT: It hurts my feelings, you know?  
TT: It hurts to know that you’d message them, but not me.  
TT: But I can’t even blame you. Not after the way we left things between us.  
TT: I was being a fucking asshole to you.  
TT: You were excited about your art and I told you it was shit and you didn’t deserve that from me.  
TT: And you were even trying to thank me and I cut you off and dismissed you.  
TT: I realize that now. I get it. I get how much of a dick move that was.  
TT: I just want you to know I’m sorry.  
TT: I really am.  
TT: I’m fucking abysmal at just telling people how I feel, because it’s always so much easier in the short term to deflect the whole thing, handwave it like it doesn’t even matter.  
TT: You deserved better than that and I fucked up.  
TT: I’m really sorry, dude.  
TT: I fucking miss you.  
TT: I feel lame as fuck for even typing that out, and I couldn’t even tell you why.  
TT: Why should that feel lame? Why should I be angry with myself for thinking that?  
TT: I hate it.  
TT: I hate this.  
TT: I hate what I did to you, and I’m trying not to hate myself so much anymore, but it’s so fucking tough.  
TT: I miss you, and I miss talking to you.  
TT: I miss you being awake with me when I can’t rest, and when my hands hurt from doing robotics shit all day.  
TT: I miss knowing you were watching me, from wherever the fuck you were at.  
TT: I miss drawing ridiculous fun shit for you.  
TT: I miss those times I’d space out on Derse at my keyboard, and wake up to see grey text waiting for me in my shades.  
TT: I didn’t think I’d ever take your fucking font for granted.  
TT: I hear you’re using a different hex code now? Some kinda green.  
TT: Nobody wants to show me their logs, though, and if I ask too much about it, people are gonna wonder.  
TT: I can’t even tell them.  
TT: I can’t tell them that you’re my best fucking friend.  
TT: I can’t let on that I’m sitting here with my fucking stomach eating at itself for how much I want to see even a scrap of a capslocked insult, just because it came from you.  
TT: It’s not fair for me to dump on you like this, either, and I know that. It’s not fair to have you as a captive audience.  
TT: I know how much you hate color-coded walls of text.  
TT: So mea culpa, I guess.  
TT: Fuck.  
TT: I probably sound awful and clingy.  
TT: More than anything I wish I’d said something while we were still in touch.  
TT: It’s hard to go from talking to you every day and then... just fucking radio silence.  
TT: I keep wondering what it is that I did wrong. I’ve found a thousand ways this is all my fault, that my own idiocy is what drove you off.  
TT: I treated you like shit at the end, and all I want is for you to give me a chance to make it up to you.  
TT: You mean a lot to me.  
TT: I wish I’d been honest about that from the start.  
TT: I’m just so fucking relieved you’re not dead, dude.  
TT: Jesus.  
TT: When we didn’t hear from you, I thought everything had failed.  
TT: I thought she’d won, somehow.  
TT: Or god, that I'd fucked up the construction and you bled out because of me.  
TT: That you were fucking dying because of my outdated engineering skills.  
TT: I thought I’d never talk to you again.  
TT: It was fucking impossible to hide that from the others. I was fucking despondent and couldn’t tell them why.  
TT: They thought it was from seeing myself beheaded. That was Jane’s guess, with her sleuthing and all.  
TT: I couldn’t just fucking drop that bomb on them.  
TT: “Oh yeah, no, seeing my decapitated head was cool, no biggie. I’m just afraid you guys’ best friend killed mine, is all.”  
TT: I still have no fucking idea what I’m going to tell them.  
TT: I have to, at some point. But I don’t know if I’ll be ready.  
TT: How can I be? How can I own up to that?  
TT: “Yeah, it’s chill, I was batting for the other team the entire time. Haha, not THAT team! Well, that one too, but mainly the one with the guy you hate!”  
TT: But I’d do it, you know?  
TT: I’d do it. I’d do it, and never look back.  
TT: And I already did, didn’t I?  
TT: Fuck, I’m just vomiting by way of this keyboard.  
TT: I’ll wrap this up, then.  
TT: None of this is fair to spring on you when you can’t even respond. Now I just feel like I’m using your message window for my own catharsis, and isn’t that goddamn selfish?  
TT: Fucking shit.  
TT: Uh.  
TT: The main thing here, if I can finally just stop running my mouth and get to the goddamn point already.  
TT: The main thing is that I care about you so much, man.  
TT: More than I ever knew how to tell you, and I want you to know that.  
TT: And when you come back, if you wanna talk to me, I’d... really like that.  
TT: I like having you around.  
TT: Well, fuck, that’s not a good way to put it, actually. That makes you sound like some kind of fucking accessory, or some shit like that.  
TT: You made me really happy.  
TT: I hope I made you happy, too.  
TT: So if you still feel like it, after this embarrassing confession of bullshit, you can hit me up.  
TT: Y’know. Only if you want.  
TT: Which I hope you do.  
TT: So, uh.  
TT: Later, I guess? Hopefully?  
TT: Um.  
TT: Kinda weird saying goodbye when I’m the only one typing, and I don’t know if you’ll ever see this at all.  
TT: But I didn’t get to say goodbye to you the first time, either.  
TT: If you don’t want to talk to me again, and I’d understand why not, then goodbye, and thank you for being my friend, while that was a thing.  
TT: It was a real good thing.  
TT: And... I’m gonna go, before I get even sappier here.  
TT: Bye.  
TT: Just for now, or maybe forever?  
TT: Whatever you want it to be.  
TT: Goodbye.  
timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering  undyingUmbrage [uu]  
  
undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering  timaeusTestified [TT]  
uu: WAIT.  
  



End file.
